No Heartwarming Stories

We all have those little fantasies, of finding the right person at the right place, at the right time, and in a way that's so goosebumpingly romantic that it seems almost too good to be true. For some, that fantasy comes true, in more ways than one... For others... Well, it just bites the dust. Although...

I actually feel like giving mine up... But I don't want to. I keep holding onto it because its the only thing I have left... That little fantasy of me and McFoxy is the only thing that keeps me from stopping my life entirely... Not suicide! So NOT... I mean, just giving up on stuff... Like cosplay, as I don't seem to click with crowds... Or Internet... Things seemed much less complicated when I just wanted to come home and turn on the TV to play with my PlayStation 2. As I went to bed yesterday night, giving up was the only thought I had.

And for the past few hours today... I find my situation a lot more complicated... Something I read... Its put me in a place where I can't think all that straight. Do I run, or do I stay? Anje told me that she's sorry she can't do much for me and my situation, owing to her busy schedule... But I said this: "I charge right at it, swerve and make the one I love and am afraid of come after me..." Now to that I add: "If he decides that I'm the one he wants." See, I love im so much so, that I'm not willing to give up on him. And now I realize, I'm more afraid of losing him than anything else. So I'm not gonna lose him... I'm gonna give pursuing him totally, a shot... Who knows, maybe he does feel the same way...

If you've gotten tired of my hardcore-crazy-bi-boy-drama... Suck it up! Its my blog and I'll do with it what I will... See, I still have some fire in me... Ahah. And as I type this, my dad sits not two feet away, thankfully sleeping. AND I'm playing Pirate King. AND I'm listening to Asian Kung-Fu Generation... What track? From Houkai Amplifier straight through to Fanclub, plus Aru Machi no Gunjo and Juuni Shinhou no Yuukei... I've been obsessed with that band... Ever since... Hmm... Ever since I heard Loop & Loop and Kimi to Iu Hana... I still want Feedback File, but I can't find it yet...

I've gone insane I suppose, moving from happy to sad and back in the blink of an eye... Oh well, so long as my parents still percieve me as "stable" (which by the way, I doubt I am...) I'm also gawking at Oreo's birthday pics... I clicked on it 'cause ONE: It was on top of my post list, and TWO: every time I see or hear the words MIGUELITO, I imagine a 10 year-old me! Whaaat? My full effin' name is Carlo MIGUEL Castañeda , and I was called either Miguel, Igiw (Igorot for Miguel), or the dreaded Miguelito, followed by the pinching of my cheeks... Only my friends call me Carlo, though some go "Caloy" which so sucks...

Cause my name is CARLO MIGUEL GUTIERREZ CASTAÑEDA!!! HEAR MY MEOW OF EFFIN' TWENTY (in April) -YEAR OLD FURY!

~MEOW!~

So I suppose I have a lot of fight left in me... I don't know if I have any chance at all with McFoxy at this point, but I haven't seen or talked to him in weeks. So I will say this... I miss you. I hope you read this... And... Well, for your FYI, I don't buy it when you say you haven't gotten the text messages. But I haven't sent any lately, 'cause well... I don't have load... Seriously.

Sometimes, things can get complicated, and you can't do anything but try and ride it out, hoping that everything goes in the right direction... If it isn't YOUR right direction, then you can try and accept it... Try and move on...

~But I'll be damned before I give up on him!
Awah!? What're you doing, this is the closing narrative!
~My blog, I'll do with it what I wish...
Baka! You're ruining the mood!
~Mood-schmood, you're getting too serious...
I'm channeling Meredith Grey!
~Uh, keep channeling her and you'll end up at the bottom of a-
SHHH! SPOILER MUCH?!
~Just saying... Lighten up, McFoxy'll come to me if he wants to...
Easy for you to say, you're the eternal optimist!
~Ookay, stop now... People are gonna think I'm crazy...
You started it...

This is the sort of thing that makes my day really... Making fun of myself right after all the serious parts are done...

Valentine's Day. A Hallmark holiday that has people, guys, especially, doing things they normally don't do. Some guys are incline to recite poetry to the girl he likes, some perfer the "secret admirer" route and send flowers to his dream girl... Or guy... Gender lines are all blurry anyway.

So I let myself get caught up in that craziness as well. I went on a date with a friend and we went to see Night at the Museum. And now I know the reason why you should never date someone you KNOW you don't have that much of a connection with. As a friend, McCoffee's fun, but as a date... He's dull as a dashboard. There was no spark really, so we're back to being friends... As if the entire thing never happened...

So I'm not over McFoxy, he still remains the only one I want to be with, although something's changed... I don't know where we stand, even as friends, because he never talks to me... My mom (Hana) tells me he might be ignoring me for the same reasons she ignored him way back in high school. Thing is, if he wants to hurt me, then he's doing the right thing by ignoring me.

Although... I'm not so sure I even want to talk to him because nowadays... I find myself living in fear of him. Because I love him I just... I get the feeling that if I see or talk to him, I'll pour my guts out to him and finally ask him out, which is something even I don't think I have the courage to do. I do know that I want to ask him out. I do know that I love him and that I wish he'd give me a chance to show him that. But that's all wishing. I doubt he even really knows how I feel, or if he even knows that I write all this all the time. I doubt he takes the time to read about the stuff I've done when I post it here... Kyaha... He's probably lazy as hell anyway, so why would I think that he reads what I write.

Could he be interested in the fact that I don't have any failing grades, or in the fact that I've never had this much free time (time I want to spend with him) or this much freedom that it scares me... I didn't go to Final Fantasay: The Reunion yesterday night 'cause I... Well... I spent the remainder of my cash on a graphic novel called Young Avengers... Now everyone knows how much of a nerd I am... So there... I do think of him as stupid sometimes... 'Cause I'm right here, what else is he waiting for, an invitation? But then... Maybe if he starts talking to me I can be okay...

So I have a busy week ahead of me... My sister's asked me to watch her perform at her school tomorrow (something she rarely does, so I'm going), then I have meetings from Wednesday to Saturday... Although... Thursday, I'm gonna go watch one of my dear friends, Nimfa Bodino, perform live at a songfest... Friday, I have a meeting at 8 am with Brian on the L.A.G.'s going underground, then later that day, I'm off to UST as usual... If the WTF schedule an EB this Saturday, I'm going... IF... Everyone's busy... I can't say that I'm not, but I wanna loosen up, get some things off my chest... So... McFoxy... If you're reading this... You know where I'll be... Catch me if you can.

When you get scared of something, you learn to deal with it eventually. Some by running further away from it, some by running headlong towards it. Me, I'm going to charge right at it, swerve and make the one I both love and am afraid of come after me...

Life can throw an infinite number of situations at you, even something you least expect can and probably will happen to you. No matter what it is, it CAN and WILL happen.

I'm still channeling Meredith Grey as we speak, in every aspect of my life... For some reason, its that thing which has me all lazy and procrastinating... But since it will be Valentine's Day in three days, consider this my pre-Valentine post of gabbyness (don't bug me about that not even being a word)... Anyway, you know how Meredith has McDreamy, McSteamy and McVet, I have my own trio to counter that! McFoxy, McCookie and McCoffee.

McFoxy - He who told me that he was "all sorts of wrong for me", he whom I've decided to just be friends with despite still being head over goddamn heels in love with. Yes, I still love him, call me stupid and whatnot, still not caring...

McCookie - He whose voice is like molten lava, smoothe as silk and whose smile is so dreamy... A real cutie who I've never met in person, yet whom I seriously would consider dating, if only to hear his sweet, sweet, melodious voice...

McCoffee - He who has been a friend for more than a year, friends all because we talk so much online. He who, up until last month, was with a girl. He whom I asked out on a date on Valentine's Day and said yes... As a testament to how effin' crazy I am now, I'm 19 and he's 21 and I asked HIM out... Just clearing things up.

Now what am I... For one thing, right now, I feel slightly bogged down because two people who hold a special place in my life are feeling down. One broke up with his girlfriend and the other... Well, from what I could tell, is depressed about something and won't say diddly about it. My days have been full of happiness lately, and for this to happen now makes me feel a bit guilty, 'cause I'm happy and they aren't. Its like... Its almost like some weird cosmic joke... One where I am the punchline, the crack to the entire sketch...

I'm not without my own dilemma though... See, the quiet desperation thing caught up to me when a friend of mine offered to set me up with a few people, just so I could wade through the pool of singlehood and hope I could find the "one", be they male or female, in that pool. I'm sitting here, and I'm actually thinking about saying yes because I am tired, tired of investing my emotions in people who hardly seem to know what it means to bare your feelings to them. Yes, I am a hypocrite... Because despite my being tired of it, I still find myself hopelessly in love with McFoxy.

I thought I'd closed that chapter in this story. But it turns out, I can't. I don't really care... Right now, all that seems to matter is that I have a date on the 14th... The first date I'll have gone on since breaking up with Keno and... Francis, but we were a non-couple so I don't know how that even counts... Man, I've never asked a guy out on a date really... As in popped the "Do you want to go out with me?" McCoffee seemed game enough... But this, to me is really just a date, I'm going out with someone else because I need to, I need to see what else there is before I try and pursue McFoxy (and probably be rejected) again. I intend to enjoy myself, seeing as I can finally eat solid food again...

I still think... That it might be something else if I ended up with McFoxy (wishful thinking), but now... I just think I can do whatever I want, and he wouldn't care... So I'm going to do exactly that.

Life's a bitch... And It has to be slapped. Its probably going to be the only way you get any peace of mind, or for that matter, its going to be the only way you're going to get anything you want.

Life is short, if anything, it has to be lived. And at every turn you CAN and probably will get hurt. Emotionally and physically. The question is, can you handle all of it and still manage to find happiness?

My life is suddenly more sordid at this moment... I must be channeling Dr. Meredith Grey... By the way, this is going out to all my blogs... If you know where to look, you can find them easily... I'm doing this because I have the need to be honest... And of all places, I choose to be honest in a place where everybody can lie. That's probably the only reason why I'm going to post all this.

People have asked me since time immemorial (read: since I was 14), if I'm gay. I always said "no". The truth: No, I'm not entirely gay. I'm bisexual. Meaning I don't give a flying pig's ass whether you're a girl or a guy, if I want to date you or if I have feelings for you, I do and that's all there is to it. How long have I known? I've known since I was 12, and I never acted upon the part where I liked guys until after I turned 19 and lost my virginity... How do I know? Let's see... I find a picture of a naked girl stimulating, by the same token, a guy's. 'Nuff said.

I get asked about my relationships a lot too, and it frustrates me... So here it is, all out on the line: My first kiss was when I was 8, to the girl of my dreams, Lei-Ann Damayo. I haven't seen her since I was 12. She was my first love, now that I think about it... I had a girlfriend throughout my last two years of high school. It didn't work out but we remain close. She's in the US with her family. My second girlfriend and I had a physical relationship and nothing more, and seeing as her ex seemed more satisfying, we broke up before I turned 19. And I haven't seen or heard from her since.

My first boyfriend was almost 5 years younger than I. I loved him, but I still lost him. He and I are friends again, and some of the love remains, albeit in a different form.

The whole truth about me is this: I'm clingy, a hopeless romantic who's bisexual and happy just the way I am. I don't care about the morality or how this is against everything Christianity stands for. I don't care about my parents' homophobia but I remain too scared to tell them. I scare easily and I don't really act my age... Its my defense mechanism.

My life now is this: I lost Magnet a few days ago... The dog must've accidentally snapped his neck... I concluded that it just wasn't my time to have a kitten. I'm done grieving over my cat, and I'm trying hard to not hate my dog. A few days ago, I told my version of Mc Dreamy how I felt about him. I have never been that up front with the way I felt to ANYBODY. But unlike Derek and Meredith, I don't have a chance with him... So now, I'm all dark and twisty because I want to throw how I feel about him into the trash. Because he's asked me to throw how I feel about him into the trash.

I want to do it and not do it at the same time. All because I do love him... If I could pack up everything and leave, leave this life behind and start over somewhere, I would. But I can't. I want to forget I even know him, because I see his face everywhere, I hear his voice whispering to me and he's the first thing I think of when I wake up... It hurts to just talk to him as a friend and nothing more, it hurts to love him and be forced to not feel anything for him...

And as all this falls apart, I can't help but wonder one thing: "Maybe I don't deserve to be happy." Proof? I lose a lot of things I love fairly quickly. I lost Magnet just as he was getting better, I lost my first boyfriend just when the idea of spending more than 12 hours with him was popping into my head, just when I was thinking what it would be like to be around him constantly. Now I'm about to lose someone I really do care for as a friend and more... I'm about to lose him all because I'm in love with him.

Happiness is probably one of the most elusive things this world has to offer... You'd be lucky if you can find someone you can be happy with for the rest of your life on the first try. But still, that's never stopped everyone else from trying...

Hmm... Where do I even begin... For starters, my real full name is Carlo Miguel Gutierrez Castañeda, I'm 19. My LiveJournal is still a wreck because I'm lazy and I procrastinate... A LOT. I like a lot of things, I'm very random... This is going to be short because I'm having one of those seriously evil days... To know a little bit more, if you want to... Just go to http://twilightsoffspring.blogspot.com or http://koikun.multiply.com ^_^